Using Profile Details Effectively
Referencing someone's profile in your first message is almost always a good idea - It shows you looked and gives the conversation a natural starting point. The challenge is doing it in a way that feels like genuine engagement rather than a recitation of things you read.
The reference spectrum
| Type of reference | Example | How it lands |
|---|---|---|
| No reference | "Hey, how are you?" | Generic - Could be sent to anyone, usually ignored |
| Vague reference | "Your profile is really interesting." | Slightly better but still not specific - Feels like flattery |
| General reference | "I see you like hiking." | Acknowledges the profile but adds nothing - Flat |
| Specific reference | "Your photo at [place] - What was the hike like?" | Shows genuine attention - Good starting point |
| Specific with your take | "Your [prompt answer] made me think - I'd have said the opposite. Why that?" | Best: shows you read, adds your own angle, opens a discussion |
| Too specific | Referencing a minor background detail in a photo | Can feel surveillance-like - Stay with what they chose to share explicitly |
What details are best to use
The best details to reference are the ones they deliberately chose to share. Prompt answers are explicit invitations - They wrote those specifically because they wanted someone to respond. Interests they listed are good. Photos of places they visited or activities they do are strong material.
Background details in photos - Things they did not consciously choose to put in the frame - Are better left alone. Referencing them can feel invasive even if the observation is positive. Stick to what they curated intentionally.
How to phrase a profile reference
- Name the specific thing rather than categorising it: "your [prompt] answer" not "your bio".
- Add your own reaction rather than just acknowledging it: "that's an interesting answer" is weak; "I'd have said the opposite" is better.
- Keep it conversational — "I noticed you mentioned..." sounds formal.
- End with a question that follows naturally from what you referenced.
- Reference one thing per message - Multiple references in one opener can feel like a debrief.
Combining multiple details well
If you want to reference two things, connect them rather than listing them. "You hike and you're into [interest] - Is there a theme there, or are those totally unrelated parts of your life?" combines two profile elements into one natural question.
Listing references — "I see you like X, and Y, and you work in Z" - Reads as a profile recap, not a conversation starter. The goal is to use profile details as a springboard, not a summary. The openers guide shows how to distil everything into a single compelling hook.
What to do when there is nothing to reference
- If the profile is very sparse, acknowledge it lightly: "Your profile is minimal - Intentional?"
- Ask about what brought them to the app right now - It is a question anyone can answer.
- Use their photos: what they are doing in them is usually fair game even without written content.
- A warm, short message with no specific reference is better than a forced one. When you are stuck, the first message generator can suggest angles you may have missed.
- If there is genuinely nothing to work with, your reply rate will be lower regardless - Adjust expectations accordingly.
More from First Messages
Finding the Ideal Message Length
Converting Matches Into Real Conversations
Timing Your First Response
Avoiding the Interview Trap
Sparking Curiosity With Specific Questions
Handling Non-Responsive Matches
Transitioning to Deeper Topics
Crafting a Perfect Follow-Up Message
First Message Templates for Every Personality