Avoiding Common Greeting Mistakes
There is a predictable set of opening messages that almost always get ignored. Most people have sent at least one of them. Knowing why they fail makes it much easier to write something that works instead.
The graveyard of failed openers
| Opener | Why it fails | What to send instead |
|---|---|---|
| "Hey" | Zero content, zero effort - Gives nothing to reply to | Any observation from their profile |
| "Hey, how are you?" | Generic check-in with no point of interest - Signals minimal effort | A specific question tied to something they wrote |
| "You're beautiful / gorgeous / cute" | Generic appearance comment they have heard many times - No thread, no specificity | A comment on something they said or shared |
| "What are you looking for on here?" | Feels like a screening question before you have said hello | Establish warmth first, save this for later |
| "I don't usually message first, but..." | Undermines you before you have said anything interesting | Just send the message - Skip the caveat |
| "How was your weekend?" | Generic, no connection to who they are - Reads as copy-pasted | Ask about something they specifically mentioned |
| Five questions in one message | Overwhelming and resembles an application form | One good question only |
What "hey" communicates psychologically
"Hey" as an opener communicates, without meaning to, that you are not sure this is worth effort yet. It is a feeler - A low-cost probe to see if they respond before you invest. Most people read it this way, even if that is not the intention. The first messages guide shows what to do instead.
The irony is that "hey" is also a perfectly natural way to greet someone you already know. But context matters. In a first message between strangers, it signals that the sender has not looked at the profile or chosen not to say anything about it. That is a bad first impression.
The copy-paste problem
- A message that could be sent to any profile feels like one that was sent to every profile. Strong profile photos and a well-written bio give you the raw material to write something specific.
- People are good at detecting generic messages, even when they cannot articulate exactly why.
- The tell is usually lack of specificity - The message works without knowing anything about the person.
- One specific detail from their profile is all that is needed to break the copy-paste feeling.
- If you are tempted to send the same opener to multiple people, it is almost certainly not specific enough.
Generic vs specific - The comparison
| Generic version | Specific version | What changed |
|---|---|---|
| "You seem really cool." | "Your answer to the [prompt] is the most honest one I've read." | Attached to something real they said |
| "How was your day?" | "Your photo at [place] - What were you doing there?" | Replaced generic check-in with genuine curiosity |
| "We should talk." | "Your [interest] answer made me want to know more - What got you into it?" | Gave a real reason rather than a demand |
| "Nice profile." | "Your bio is different — [specific thing about it]. I noticed." | Named the specific thing that stood out |
What to do instead - The practical checklist
- Read the full profile before writing anything. If you want a shortcut, the first message generator can help you craft something specific.
- Identify one thing that genuinely caught your attention.
- Write your honest reaction to it in one sentence.
- Add a single open question that they would actually want to answer.
- Read it back - Does it work for any other profile? If yes, revise.
- Send it and do not second-guess it for an hour.
More from Openers That Work
Using Observations to Start Conversations
Playful Teasing Techniques for Openers
Asking High-Engagement Questions
Leveraging Shared Interests Immediately
Complimenting Personality Over Appearance
Breaking the Ice With Humour
Starting With a Relatable Opinion
The Psychology of a Successful Opener
Customising Messages for Better Replies