Customising Messages for Better Replies
Customisation is the single most reliable lever for improving reply rates. A message written specifically for someone tells them two things immediately: you took the time to look, and you found them interesting enough to say something real. Both of those things make people want to respond.
Why customisation matters
Studies consistently show that personalised communication outperforms generic communication. This is not specific to dating - It applies to every context where someone is deciding whether to engage with an incoming message. The mechanism is simple: personalisation signals investment, and investment signals genuine interest. See the first messages guide for how to apply this beyond the opener.
On dating apps specifically, customisation matters more because the volume of generic messages is so high. A personalised message stands out not just because it is better - It stands out because it is genuinely rare. Even a modest level of specificity is enough to move a message from the ignored pile to the replied-to pile.
What to look for in a profile
- Prompt answers: these are direct invitations to respond - They contain opinions, preferences, and personality.
- Photos: not just where they are, but what they are doing and what that suggests.
- Hobbies and interests: especially anything niche or specific - It signals something they actually care about.
- The bio: anything that has personality, humour, or a clear point of view.
- Job and education: sometimes useful for framing a question, rarely the best lead.
- Anything they wrote with enthusiasm - Specific language, superlatives, strong opinions.
How to personalise each message type
If you are using an observation: name the specific thing you noticed rather than speaking generally about it. "Your hiking photo" is generic. "Your photo at [trail/place] in the rain" is specific.
If you are asking a question: tie it directly to something they said or showed, not a question you would ask anyone. "What do you like to do for fun?" is generic. "Your prompt answer about [topic] - What made you say that specifically?" is personalised.
Common mistakes in customisation
| Mistake | What it looks like | Fix |
|---|---|---|
| Listing all shared interests | "I also love hiking, cooking, and travel!" | Pick one and go deeper on it |
| Vague reference | "Your profile is so interesting." | Name the specific thing that interested you |
| Over-researching | Referencing minor background details from photos | Stick to what they chose to share explicitly |
| Forced enthusiasm | "Wow, you love [thing]? That's amazing!" | React normally - Genuine is better than performed |
| Too much customisation | A paragraph-long message referencing six things from their profile | Pick one hook and stay with it |
When to give up and move on
Some profiles do not give you much to work with. If there is genuinely nothing specific to reference - Minimal bio, only selfies, no prompt answers - You have two options: ask a light question about how they ended up on the app, or send a very short, warm message and accept the lower odds.
Do not invent specificity that is not there. A forced personalisation attempt that references something trivial is worse than a clean, honest short message. If a profile gives you nothing, the message does not have to compensate - Just make it warm and give them one real question to answer. The first message generator can help when a profile is sparse.
More from Openers That Work
Using Observations to Start Conversations
Playful Teasing Techniques for Openers
Asking High-Engagement Questions
Leveraging Shared Interests Immediately
Complimenting Personality Over Appearance
Breaking the Ice With Humour
Starting With a Relatable Opinion
The Psychology of a Successful Opener
Avoiding Common Greeting Mistakes